You're Too Busy to Read This

Congratulations, you rebel. You clicked on something that told you that you were too busy. Way to go. You’ve proved that the title of a satirical article can’t tell you what to do. Now get back to doing literally anything else. This article is a giant waste of your time and you are definitely too busy to read it.

Its not like you have twenty more pages of John Locke to read for your Political Ideologies class. Sure, your cat hasn’t been fed in two days, but she’ll be fine. Of course grandma won’t miss a thank you card, it’s not like she looks forward to that all year long. No, continue to read useless word-vomit written by a bored and sarcastic college senior.

If you’re still reading this, you probably don’t understand sarcasm. If that’s the case, I pity you and the confusing society we all live in. Watch a comedy for christsake and figure it out. Might I suggest Monty Python and the Holy Grail? It has 97% on Rotten Tomatoes.

What are you doing? Don’t you have shit to do? Jesus Christ, you spend all this time on the phone with your mom complaining “I don’t have time to finish this paper!” and now you’re reading a satirical article. Go do that paper! Or go outside, it’s beautiful. Look it’s snowing/raining/cloudy/bright and shiny out your window. Jump around in this beautiful goddamned world you live in, you procrastinating click-troll.

Oh my god, if you have time to kill, why not look up the world news? There’s plenty going on that is a waaaaaaaaaay better use of your time than reading this. Plus, it would probably help you in your global economy final you have tomorrow. How much do you know about the middle east? That might come in handy later when CNN is talking gibberish about some of the most important issues of our time and you’re too busy looking at cat pictures and articles telling you to stop looking at them to pay attention.

Ooh! You could sign up for classes! Or apply to graduate from [insert your shitty university here]. Lord knows they could go without a student who reads garbage satire instead of doing the work for a school that, let’s be honest, their parents can’t afford.

For the love of all that is sacred to whatever religion you subscribe to, get off the internet and do something productive. See? This is what’s wrong with the millennial generation. You’d rather read this stupid article than spend quality time with real people. At least read a book! How many books have you read other than the Harry Potter series? Hell, at this point re-read the Harry Potter series.

I’m pleading with you to stop. This is the final paragraph of this fucking article. This is your last chance to say you didn’t read the whole thing. Stop. Now. While you still can. I bet you’ve read through this and thought to yourself, “Damn. This is stupid as hell.” You’re right. It is. And now you’ve finished it. There it’s done. Go back to your life, you rebellious bastard. *
*Oh my god, you’re reading the footnote! This is un-fucking believable!!! There is no hope for you. Destroy your computer. Now. I’ll wait

Austen Fisher