Communications

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATIONS  

LOCATION: Lecture Hall

THE CHARACTERS:

     Chad Banks: 22, anxious

     Stacy Williams: 19, In love

     Maria Flanagan: 42, bitter

 

(Lights up on CHAD and STACY preparing a computer in front of the class)

 

STACY

Oh, Chad, you need to send me your slides.

 

CHAD

Right. Sorry, babe.

 

(CHAD takes out his IPhone and sends a message)

 

There you go.

 

STACY

(looking at phone) Aww, baby. Thank you. I wuv you… Don’t you want to say something back to me?

 

CHAD

Listen, professor Flanagan just went through a tough divorce. She went to court yesterday.

 

STACY

Oh my god. I had no idea. Wait… What does that have to do with saying you love me?

 

CHAD

She’s being super weird about PDA in class. Can we keep this presentation platonic?

 

STACY

Chad. Our presentation is on communication within relationships. We used OUR relationship as the example! How are we supposed to act platonic when we’re giving a lecture about our love for one another?

 

CHAD

I know, I know. I’m sorry. I wuv you Stacy.

 

(CHAD and STACY have a tickle fight. FLANAGAN enters with a large glass of wine. CHAD and STACY separate and act as if nothing ever happened.)

 

FLANAGAN

I know some of you are aware of my divorce, but I assure all of you that it will have no effect on how I teach this class. Now, I believe Chad and Stacy have prepared something for us. Give them your attention.

 

(FLANAGAN exits into the audience)

 

STACY

Thank you, professor Flanagan. Chad, will you show our first slide please?

 

(First slide appears on the back wall. It is a picture of STACY and CHAD in a loving embrace. The caption reads “Communication: The Chad and Stacy Story” in a vomit-inducing cursive font)

 

STACY

As you can see, Chad and I are very much in love-

 

FLANAGAN

(From the audience) Hold up!

 

CHAD

Ah, shit.

 

(FLANAGAN enters)

 

FLANAGAN

How long have you two been together?

 

STACY

Six months today!

 

FLANAGAN

You’re not in love. You barely know each other.

 

CHAD

That’s not true. We’re moving in with each other next semester.

 

FLANAGAN

Oh, yeah? You know who else is moving in? A deadbeat roommate named “Regret.” Every day for the last twenty years I walked into my house and found him asleep on the couch watching the ESPN highlight reel in his underwear!

 

CHAD

I’m sorry professor Flanagan. It won’t happen again. Next slide, please.

 

(FLANAGAN exits. Second slide appears on back wall. It is a collage of pictures of the two of them laughing together, cuddling together, and at a fancy dinner together)

 

FLANAGAN

(From the audience) Jesus Christ!

 

STACY

Chad and I believe that the most important part of a loving, meaningful, long-term relationship is communication. That’s why we text each other every ten seconds. Isn’t that right Chad?

 

CHAD

(on his phone) Letting you know where I’m at babe.

 

STACY

I wuv you, Chad.

 

CHAD

I wuv you, Stacy.

 

(STACY and CHAD make baby noises at each other. FLANAGAN enters with double-fisting wine glasses.)

 

FLANAGAN

ENOUGH! I may be teaching communications, but there is no way to communicate the level of disgusting that was.

 

STACY

What’s more disgusting, baby talk or being drunk on the job?

 

Hey. Baby talk is for children who haven’t developed the capacity to speak. Wine is for adults with big-boy problems.

 

CHAD

It’s ok bugaboo. We can-

 

FLANAGAN

Can you say some real goddamn words to each other?! This is a presentation after all and it definitely will help YOUR grade, CHAD!

 

 

CHAD

Baby, can we please just skip to the end? I really need to pass this class.

 

STACY

Oh, so this class is more important than me all of a sudden?

 

CHAD

Of course not! But getting an ‘A’ from you isn’t going to land me a job in sports journalism.

 

STACY

WHAT?!

 

FLANAGAN

See? Men! All they care about is the ESPN highlight reel.

 

CHAD

What? It’s my dream!

 

STACY

That’s it. We’re done, Chad. Here’s your oversized sweatshirt and forever bracelet back.

 

FLANAGAN

Get on with the presentation! I’ve got a hot tub full of wine at home. The jets are keeping it from fermenting.

 

(FLANAGAN exits. STACY hits the button for the next slide. It is a picture of a beach bungalow.)

 

CHAD

(near tears and reading off of his notecards) So… My part of the presentation is on the intentional lack of communication… Otherwise known as a surprise… To demonstrate, I have rented a romantic getaway to Florence, Mexico, North Dakota, a motel 6, and Rome… for myself… Who’s up for a romantic getaway?

 

(FLANAGAN enters drinking out of the classroom garbage can)

 

FLANAGAN

I’ll go after I finish grading this presentation. Make sure to send me those slides.

 

(BLACKOUT)

Austen Fisher